realization of no help

I'm in a somewhat self-imposed limbo for a few reasons and today I realized that I am lost without structure. In general. That's just my personality; why I gravitate back to school type environments, because that is a structure I know. The only one, except for work, from which I tend to flee because of commitment issues. So I'm lost without structure and in limbo about making a next move, any next move. And I also know that certain structures make me unhappy...or aspects that come along with them do. So all of this makes decisions even more difficult to arrive at.

add to that my laziness and procrastination, and i'm stuck until someone yells at me or makes the guilt of not doing anything salient. notices that i'm really a waste like this. that i'm a mooch.

because the willpower to make declarations that motivate are gone.
lost

happiness used to be the goal. but now that seems so selfish. and there are too many components to keep track of, anyway. so i guess the real goal, at this point, should be a decision. towards a structure. so i don't have to try and make too many more decisions without structured guidance.

maybe all of this is just a sad clinging to childhood, long after such urges should be gone.

karmic retribution may be a bitch, but it is, after all, deserved. so that's the sweeping explanation i give myself for this past year's (+) lackluster "romantic" department. if only i could grin and bear it, instead of obsessing.

and career direction--and motivation--and confidence. three things that remain elusive. so many and so few options out there at once.

places
people
possibilities


i don't want to go to europe, but i should feel grateful.
the guilt

"be happy"...but i shouldn't, because i really am not worth it. why can't they see how lazy i am? that i need a swift kick in the rear? that i haven't really accomplished anything, anything real. or that one thing i did was over three years ago, now. and this last thing was a disappointment, and even a joke. but still they are proud. of what? the lack of effort and still passing?

but i don't want to explain, because then they'll know the ugly truth about me.
and that's no way to treat parents who love you.

so i write here, self-pitying as always. disgusting and constantly hoping for a turn-around that i don't have the will-power to force myself to do.
and i'm not even on drugs. the laziness just is.
is stifling

gotta do something
gotta get out there
make decisions

and stop staring at this life-sucking screen!

really great friends

So many wonderful people acquainted. Good times have been had, many times over. So many interesting, awesome people. And all under-appreciated for their friendships and themselves.

Someday, I hope it will not be an inevitability that these posts slant negatively, but for now let us chalk that up to honesty in the hopes that it will nudge me into a better direction or two. Of caring properly. Of thinking positively. Of appreciating what is there and who is there and was and will be. Let us hope. But hoping is not doing. So hopefully I will do.

Better.
(lame, but the pseudo-poet within shan't be silenced. Yet.)