even i deserve better

(on) sesame seeds

fuck that shit.

it's only 10:33

who the hell is manheim steamroller?

how is jennifer lopez so famous in the admired, super-star way? she's not even good. her songs suck! wtf?!! they aren't even good *POP*!

how is jennifer lopez so famous in the admired, super-star way? she's not even good. her songs suck! wtf?!! they aren't even good *POP*!

how is jennifer lopez so famous in the admired, super-star way? she's not even good. her songs suck! wtf?!! they aren't even good *POP*!

i wish i had you to come home to
to give goodnight sleepy kisses to
to cuddle
to love
to feel soft and warm and loving
i wish you were here, to my right, taking up the place that i am leaving empty
i wish i had you here to love physicall, instead of far away mentally, verbally...
i wish you were here so i could hold you

please pity the fool

i hate it here. people drive like maniacs and i feel like everybody is laughing at me because i don't fit in. i don't have the energy to look for a job, and i don't have the energy to interview for one. i don't want to get roped down here, either. i haven't even unpacked, because that would mean this is real. no. this is just another hotel. this is just a shitty vacation.

i should have stayed in portland and gotten a teaching credential. foregone this dc bullshit. this is no longer my dream, and probably hasn't been for a few years. dumb dumb dumb and depressed.

I'm not a DC girl. I'm a portland girl. with a portland love. and a family only a two-hour flight away.
now i'm here and i don't want to be here. i don't like it. and things are stressful. i hate it. i want to go home. and then to portland. and then home again. repeat. like normal. this doesn't feel right.

i knew it?

more than i expected

he rode with me to the airport. i watched him eating wendy's as i waited impatiently for my egg and cheese bagel, mad that this was keeping me from him and eating away our time. we ate, then i said i should get going.
we held hands on the way to the security line, ("do we know anyone here?") and stopped before it. he leaned down and kissed me sweetly. a hug. then another light kiss

it's still making me smile.

i sucked

So I'm going through all my old school papers. Sometimes I find it's easy to throw things away, like all my doodles of the girls from the Little House books in the same style of dress. sometimes not so easy. anyway, i came across this journal i had to keep in english when i was 14, and i am so ashamed. i didn't remember how my brother and i used to fight. how i was so mean to him; how he felt like i didn't like him, and how i probably didn't think i did at the time. i feel so bad for that. he seems to have forgiven me, based on our current relationship, but still. how unforgivable.

i can't believe i turned this in. how embarrassing (not just because of the entires involving sibling rivalry).
i'm sorry, F. really really sorry.
ugh

stuff: a sample

i have a spoon collection that i can't remember ever really caring about, even as i was dilligently collecting them from every stop on our family road-trip vacations.

i want my old life to still be here, waiting for me, if i come back. and i really want to come back. but only if i can have everything back.
this is impossible and selfish, but i can't help irrationally wanting this. or wanting him to move with me. baltimore would be fine. but close. ideally, close enough so that i could go over everyday, like now.

he won't wait for me, and he shouldn't, and maybe i'll go on a few dates in dc. but we're good together. we work. and i don't want that to change.
i want the love to stay
across the distance
across my betrayal.
please still love me

tenderness and tears

"nobody's ever loved me the way you do," he said, crying

he loves me
we spent the early morning hours of tuesday sobbing together

one thing i love about him is that even though it's really hard sometimes, he always, ALWAYS appologizes...even if i don't always deserve one.

and today, after sauvie island berry picking (preceded itself by a quintecential trip to powell's), he told me that we've been together for a long time, he just didn't do well with labels. and here i thought we just weren't together, period. he said i was his girlfriend. in the mirror, that we were quite a pair (or something).


i love him so much, and i know things will be okay with us.
unless something bad happens in the next few days. but still, i'll have these memories of wonderfulness. of him. of us.
he was happy today.


and he's even throwing me a goodbye party
but it's the other things that give me warm feelings
we love
we talk of being married, fondly. jokingly. but it's still talk
and all is wonderful
he is wonderful
i want it so bad to last

but that's probably too much to hope for

i wonder if i'll miss portland
i think i will, and i hope i will come back someday

i also wished that he wanted to be with me. i think i'd stay if that were the case. but now it feels like i am ending it all by myself, when in fact i have been prolonging it for the past year. i wish things were different, and i am scared and excited to see what my new life is going to be like
but i know i'll miss hima nd my old life terribly, too.

if birds ever figured out that they could seriously injure us via pecking and diving, we'd be toast.
man, that would hurt. and hawks could freaking kill us in less than a second.

just finished

and now i don't know waht to do with myself. i wish i weren't alone. not in a desperate way, just in a vague way.
a minute ago i thought david might solve that problem. but i don't know what we'd do if he were here; i'm so tired. i should sleep, but it's warm. the fan...
anyway, he said this morning that he was going to miss me. something i had been waiting to hear. it made me so happy and sad at once. mostly sad. what am i thinking of doing? besides the fact that there is so much to do if i'm to move, it seems dumb to leave when i am still so emotionally attached. and he seems to need me. or maybe this is his chance to not need me, anymore.

but what if...? and i'm not here?
...but i always dread having to call her.

i want to ask him, seriously, if he'll consider coming.
but i am so scared to hear "no," even though it seems to be the hypothetical situation we are both dealing with at the moment. no. i go; he stays. i want him to want me to stay, really. i want him to want to come with me. for us to still be close. because if we aren't in the same town, how will we remain close emotionally? i'm not ready to lose that. it's not a natueral time for that type of break.

i think i still really want for us to be together; for him to want to be with me. because even though it feels like it, i know it's not real. it hardly ever was. officially.

all i know for sure is that i ahte my job and want to quit. it's not me; my identity is so...not a jive, man. not a jive at all.
i want cuddles, maybe. that's what i want. and for it to be 5pm maybe or something.

do you even care, to see me go? to think of me going?
maybe you mean more to me than i do to you. sure, i'm a fixture in your life right now. but maybe you're READY for that to be over.
maybe i'm an annoyance; a nuissance, with occational pluses.

but i do a lot for you
maybe you don't realize it
and maybe you won't when i'm gone

but to not even express a little regret at the idea
that is what makes me sad
makes me feel...not worthless. but unappreciated. unspecial.
and you are so special to me.

enough
maybe you realize something i don't. maybe you realize that this would be better for us both, somehow.
but i'm not ready for that, yet
and i thought you loved me

jud seuss

i keep having german people coming into work, and i totally think of things to say to them that are grammatically correct and would make sense in the social context at the moment, and i keep chickening out.
damn it

man

DC life would be sweet

not gonna lie

jury duty kinda rocked

"do androids dream of electric sheep?" no, but i think they could. (actually, that should be a "yes" there, but the "no" sounded better with the sentence and the flow. hehe)

right
that was supposed to be succinct. you win again, stream of consciousness.
nes
ness...


i want to go to knott's berry farm
so bad

i have it pretty damn good.

God is a spaghetti monster

I want david to be someone he's not. And he wants me to be something I'm not. Okay, I could be less uptight. But yeah. I want him to be happy and normal, but retain his quirky wonderfulness, and i want him to want to be with me. And I also wish I were more like Amanda or Piera. Because then we'd get along better in public. It's not good, that we're so good together, except in public. And he won't meet my family. And I won't let him go.

I just wish it would work. I want to be with him, normally-ish. But I pretty much know I can't ahve that with him.

There is more to this mess, but I don't want to think about it right now. Or more than I ahve to. Even though I should probably get help. Because I can't do this alone. I can't save him alone.

whoa...

i have the same amount of money (give or take a few cents) in both of my checking accounts. freaky...

shallow alert!

i'm about 130 pounds, again. strange thing is, only a week ago i was remarking to myself that i was fairly happy with my body (minus the thighs, which i would just want less squishy, not smaller.) And then i weigh myself the other day and it says i'm 130! shit, man. maybe it has something to do with the clothes i wear as opposed to the ones i was wearing in 7th and 8th grade, but i don't feel nearly as fat this time around. sure, sometimes i feel fat, but i ALWAYS sometimes feel fat.

so, speaking of fat, i think i'm going to try to cut it out of my diet for a while and see if i can last without delicious food and if anything happens. i will also exercise more (having a job is no excuse!) and hopefully, if i don't lose weight, at least i'll b less squishy.
right

just a dream?

why do i want a baby right now? having fantasies about breastfeeding. ugh. it's scary to think that i really do want one. i want those experiences. well...the good ones, anyway. i want those feelings.

why do i live so far away, with nobody, really, but a boy i adore but haven't technically been with for over a year who doesn't want to meet my parents?

writing

the keys are so perfect
round; silver
say it: round
ahhh

writing writing...i really miss it sometimes

lately we've been...it's been nice. a little--i won't detail. but oh he's wonderful. and the mornings are the best. snuggly and warm and...beautiful
ugh
enough drivel***
she wrote, "i will be someone's story," and thought it wistfully. wistfully. and then was gone. and she was right. and this is that someone's story. hers
***

a brief sample. all i got, so far,a nd it's already 6 mo old. it's never coming back, is it?

i wonder if i could succeed in cutting fat out of my diet. for a week or something. the problem is, everything delicious has fat in it.
i realize more and more how shallow i am in many ways. if i cared about human rights or the environment, i'd do more. but i don't.
also, i will never be as great as Patty, but i'm okay with that. because david still loves me and cuddles with me and makes me listen to weird ass music that broadens my horizons. in short, i still get to hang out with a really cool dude whom i love. and i can be nostalgic, but being upset tht it's never going to be the same again is pointless. which doesn't mean i still won't get sad about it, but it makes it more bearable. he's crazy about her. once he was crazy about me. things change.
deal with it.

okay.
i start work today. maybe i'll be able to pay my parents back. they aren't letting me be an adult. which is very nice of them, really. but it also pisses me off. so as soon as i get the means, i will attempt to slip some money under their pillows.

In Germany I used to have a little plastic tool set that I would use to pretend to fix my bike when Daddy was fixing one of the bikes. He was good at that, so I wanted to be, too.
I am not myself; I emulate.

a goal

i have spent over $150 since monday. that is bad. the minute i get a paycheck, i blow it. sheesh. SO, i have decided not to feel too bad about it, on the condition that after college [read: two weeks] i will start living within my means. means tht i actually earn. not the means that are floating around for grad school. i have to stop dipping in to that. especially since i won't have any college expenses. so.
get a job (please, Kitchen Kaboodle? Borders? Children's Museum?)
spend wisely
create a budget

stuff like that

and i will read books

in some ways

I really hate Renn Fayre.

laurels

they are so proud of me
why?

i want ome frickin nachos
but the closest ones are at 7-11, and i know those will just dissappoint me (and probably make me feel ill)
but what to do whilst i wait for my adviser to get me back my last two chapters so i can create my giant document? what?
*le sigh*

fat and crazy day

i have no job skills
this sucks

and i have to stop writing in this damn thing so often. arg

...

but do you still want me?
i want you to
how can i help you feel less gross about it? please
sometimes, not all the time
once in a while would be nice (and perhaps more often than now)

i am never satisfied
even when what i have is great

he's more interested in playing the piano than me
and i'm okay with it

:)

ohmygoshi love him so much!

it was hard

when i read Gatsby for the first time
i had such a thing for Daisy

i'm still not sure how i really/should feel about that book
because of that
heh

flipping the fuck out

lame and lonely
sigh...he was trying earlier, but i'd have none of it. maybe he really didn't want it either, but it might have happened.
now i want it, or at least want him near, and he's at work

and i have no friends tonight
poo

i miss the dorms, where friends were right there, even at 2am. especially at 2am.
this sucks.
i hate the almost-real-world.
i want......something else. easier. happier. friend-li-er.
gimmegimmegimme!

i stood still in the rain for a few minutes, watching five or six robins hopping around, looking for food on the front lawn. Maybe they wanted worms. "What's going on in their heads?" I wondered. Then I thought, "how could anyone think that they are any less complex than we are, when they have their own thing going on that we do not have the cultural knowledge to understand?"

I told this is David later, and he challenged me with the example of robots. "But we made robots," I answered. We know what's going on with them...at least to a point. We don't with robins...how can we say we do? Even if God created them, or someone or something, how can we say we know what they know in creating them?
No. No.
How can we think they are any lesser than us? Because they are small? That is a petty excuse. We have no idea what they are thinking, what they aim to do in their lives, other than what we see as obvious: eating and making babies. But it could be so much more than that, and we don't even allow for it, or we chalk it up to "natural processes." It's a pity. Because we give them no room to be just as complex as we are, only very different.
If onl we could apply relativism to all species, instead of all cultures.

But they think I'm crazy.

i am innthis place that is not my own
i wish i ahd a friend
a real friend
that i did things with
that i wasn't awkward with
like a "best friend"
or something

but indest
i drift
in this place that is not my own
trying, sometimes, to fidn taht person to click with
and never finding them
and it makes me feel alone
sometimes
most of the time

and for a while, i thought i had friends
but i don't

Dear Thesis,

I tire of you. Please fix yourself by Friday.

Sincerely,
Rachel

i remember

7922092

a while ago, i was trying to remember, and couldn't.
and today, reading old, painful livejournal entries, i came across one about you and it said "phone number" and it immediately came to me
7922092
yes
whew
"all is not lost"

There's talk of making the HPV vaccine legally mandatory.
that makes me so mad
so fucking mad

L-A-M-E

new plan: drink until sleepy
cuz i don't wanna fucking do anything else
and trying to make new friends is scary and...yeah
i suck
fuck this
*guzzle*

Someone is picking a banjo from above.
I catch a reflection of myself in a window
i look like an art student
bere
those glasses. long coat
it's winter
oregon
the keys feel good to push
satisfying
I wish I ahd more to say

I am so grateful for you
everyday
i am greatful
it is quite something
to be loved

thus spake the art student

i might be in love. or maybe i'm just overwhelmed with seeing someone i love again. in any case, it's nice.
it snowed today. SNOWED. realllll snow, too. like, unsafe-to-drive snow. glorious.
got a job at the mailroom. the interview consisted of me answering "yes" to the question "will you show up everyday?" sweet.

that is all