i wonder if i'll miss portland
i think i will, and i hope i will come back someday

i also wished that he wanted to be with me. i think i'd stay if that were the case. but now it feels like i am ending it all by myself, when in fact i have been prolonging it for the past year. i wish things were different, and i am scared and excited to see what my new life is going to be like
but i know i'll miss hima nd my old life terribly, too.

if birds ever figured out that they could seriously injure us via pecking and diving, we'd be toast.
man, that would hurt. and hawks could freaking kill us in less than a second.

just finished

and now i don't know waht to do with myself. i wish i weren't alone. not in a desperate way, just in a vague way.
a minute ago i thought david might solve that problem. but i don't know what we'd do if he were here; i'm so tired. i should sleep, but it's warm. the fan...
anyway, he said this morning that he was going to miss me. something i had been waiting to hear. it made me so happy and sad at once. mostly sad. what am i thinking of doing? besides the fact that there is so much to do if i'm to move, it seems dumb to leave when i am still so emotionally attached. and he seems to need me. or maybe this is his chance to not need me, anymore.

but what if...? and i'm not here?
...but i always dread having to call her.

i want to ask him, seriously, if he'll consider coming.
but i am so scared to hear "no," even though it seems to be the hypothetical situation we are both dealing with at the moment. no. i go; he stays. i want him to want me to stay, really. i want him to want to come with me. for us to still be close. because if we aren't in the same town, how will we remain close emotionally? i'm not ready to lose that. it's not a natueral time for that type of break.

i think i still really want for us to be together; for him to want to be with me. because even though it feels like it, i know it's not real. it hardly ever was. officially.

all i know for sure is that i ahte my job and want to quit. it's not me; my identity is so...not a jive, man. not a jive at all.
i want cuddles, maybe. that's what i want. and for it to be 5pm maybe or something.

do you even care, to see me go? to think of me going?
maybe you mean more to me than i do to you. sure, i'm a fixture in your life right now. but maybe you're READY for that to be over.
maybe i'm an annoyance; a nuissance, with occational pluses.

but i do a lot for you
maybe you don't realize it
and maybe you won't when i'm gone

but to not even express a little regret at the idea
that is what makes me sad
makes me feel...not worthless. but unappreciated. unspecial.
and you are so special to me.

enough
maybe you realize something i don't. maybe you realize that this would be better for us both, somehow.
but i'm not ready for that, yet
and i thought you loved me

jud seuss

i keep having german people coming into work, and i totally think of things to say to them that are grammatically correct and would make sense in the social context at the moment, and i keep chickening out.
damn it

man

DC life would be sweet

not gonna lie

jury duty kinda rocked

"do androids dream of electric sheep?" no, but i think they could. (actually, that should be a "yes" there, but the "no" sounded better with the sentence and the flow. hehe)

right
that was supposed to be succinct. you win again, stream of consciousness.
nes
ness...


i want to go to knott's berry farm
so bad

i have it pretty damn good.

God is a spaghetti monster

I want david to be someone he's not. And he wants me to be something I'm not. Okay, I could be less uptight. But yeah. I want him to be happy and normal, but retain his quirky wonderfulness, and i want him to want to be with me. And I also wish I were more like Amanda or Piera. Because then we'd get along better in public. It's not good, that we're so good together, except in public. And he won't meet my family. And I won't let him go.

I just wish it would work. I want to be with him, normally-ish. But I pretty much know I can't ahve that with him.

There is more to this mess, but I don't want to think about it right now. Or more than I ahve to. Even though I should probably get help. Because I can't do this alone. I can't save him alone.