etic understanding of scenes

always on the outside looking in
never quite a PART of something
a fringe participant, sure
but usually outside
observing

and isn't that where i like it?
where it's best?
because what would life be like without the longing?

privilege breeds discontent? whine to no one

i'm old
i have a degree that doesn't matter because i don't do anything with it
i'm depressed
making me even lazier
and i keep leaving places where i have friends
this makes me more depressed

what a mess
how to dig out? how to be real, get a life? get a fucking life.
most people have real problems.
dumbass rich white girl


seriously.
no one will ever want you again
not like this

living life in the wrong places

should i have stayed?
of course, if only because i should always have gone somewhere different from where i am now
should always have made a different choice
am always living wrong

i don't even know how to be an adult
perhaps how to begin, but things are too easy for me

i've GOT to get out of here
and start living
for real.

I'm so sorry, Autumn

Tonight, I was accessory to murder. I never thought I'd have to kill someone I loved without their consent, but that's how it happened. Tonight, we killed our dog, and I don't think it's dramatic to say so.
She had cancer, was going downhill. But today?
And we betrayed her trust. I don't think she had any idea... and she trusted us and one of the last things we did to her was use that against her.

Yes, it was peaceful, outwardly.
But how could we do this to her?
She was so good and wonderful

I can't believe we did that to her
that I did that
didn't fight it more

what the fuck

I'm so sorry, Autumn. I love you so so much and I hope you'll forgive me and I hope you were okay and I'm missing you
I'm so sorry, baby girl

terrible choice
so fucked up
and she's gone
we left her there

history

i realized tonight--
i don't want to be part of a contemporary scene; something happening here and now. even if it's important.
i'm not adventurous. i'm not a doer. the last time i was sort of part of something in the Now, it was 2002 and i was wearing an old hippie skirt and we had no hope of winning at that glorious local protest.

no.
i want to relive and be a retroactive part of something in the past.
history is where it's at for me. reliving and figuring out how it may have been. reenacting, even. even if it's by myself.
but starting something new; being part of something now?
that's just scary

and temporality washes over and back and who knows where i am in this metaphor? life goes on as i strive to repeat it and never live in the moment or move forward with the rest.

eternal detachment
yes
that's the life

right?

realization of no help

I'm in a somewhat self-imposed limbo for a few reasons and today I realized that I am lost without structure. In general. That's just my personality; why I gravitate back to school type environments, because that is a structure I know. The only one, except for work, from which I tend to flee because of commitment issues. So I'm lost without structure and in limbo about making a next move, any next move. And I also know that certain structures make me unhappy...or aspects that come along with them do. So all of this makes decisions even more difficult to arrive at.

add to that my laziness and procrastination, and i'm stuck until someone yells at me or makes the guilt of not doing anything salient. notices that i'm really a waste like this. that i'm a mooch.

because the willpower to make declarations that motivate are gone.
lost

happiness used to be the goal. but now that seems so selfish. and there are too many components to keep track of, anyway. so i guess the real goal, at this point, should be a decision. towards a structure. so i don't have to try and make too many more decisions without structured guidance.

maybe all of this is just a sad clinging to childhood, long after such urges should be gone.

karmic retribution may be a bitch, but it is, after all, deserved. so that's the sweeping explanation i give myself for this past year's (+) lackluster "romantic" department. if only i could grin and bear it, instead of obsessing.

and career direction--and motivation--and confidence. three things that remain elusive. so many and so few options out there at once.

places
people
possibilities


i don't want to go to europe, but i should feel grateful.
the guilt

"be happy"...but i shouldn't, because i really am not worth it. why can't they see how lazy i am? that i need a swift kick in the rear? that i haven't really accomplished anything, anything real. or that one thing i did was over three years ago, now. and this last thing was a disappointment, and even a joke. but still they are proud. of what? the lack of effort and still passing?

but i don't want to explain, because then they'll know the ugly truth about me.
and that's no way to treat parents who love you.

so i write here, self-pitying as always. disgusting and constantly hoping for a turn-around that i don't have the will-power to force myself to do.
and i'm not even on drugs. the laziness just is.
is stifling

gotta do something
gotta get out there
make decisions

and stop staring at this life-sucking screen!

really great friends

So many wonderful people acquainted. Good times have been had, many times over. So many interesting, awesome people. And all under-appreciated for their friendships and themselves.

Someday, I hope it will not be an inevitability that these posts slant negatively, but for now let us chalk that up to honesty in the hopes that it will nudge me into a better direction or two. Of caring properly. Of thinking positively. Of appreciating what is there and who is there and was and will be. Let us hope. But hoping is not doing. So hopefully I will do.

Better.
(lame, but the pseudo-poet within shan't be silenced. Yet.)

Perhaps a 2-year hiatus?

why is figuring out the future so daunting? I am stunted. Planning and doing seems so easy for others...or not easy, but something they accomplish nonetheless.

Not sure how or if I can turn it around.
Become an adult. Of any kind.

would that there were a de-angstifying medication of some sort. to help just get over it and on with it. Life isn't waiting--participate! Make plans and follow through.

Ha. so says the cynic.