I hope someone comes to visit before feb.
...otherwise no one will have seen my place as I lived it.
No one will bear witness to my existence. Or "have born." Bourne? Now, that was a good movie.
20.12.08
18.12.08
Organic Milk
Read: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=98403633
Participate: http://www.regulations.gov/fdmspublic/component/main?main=SubmitComment&o=0900006480776e33
Participate: http://www.regulations.gov/fdmspublic/component/main?main=SubmitComment&o=0900006480776e33
10.12.08
5.12.08
i didn't realize that babies smiled in their sleep (if you can count it as a smile...when do babies learn that what their faces are doing have meaning for the people around them?)
anyway, i attribute this to happy baby dreams. it's really cute.
why do i get so irked when little things change? like the website for online banking. seriously, what's wrong with me?
last night was fun but crowded...hoards of runner and bikers flooded down the stairs into my makeshift poolhall to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the repeal of prohibition or running or wearing lingerie on the outside of spandex biker clothes or a combination of all these things. regardless, my space was invaded and my small corner of friendship was compromised. also, none of these many boys made a pass at me, making me long for a place where i have real friends who want to see more more than once every two weeks. a place where i have a chance to get laid.
and yet i knit this scarf, and make no concrete escape plans
anyway, i attribute this to happy baby dreams. it's really cute.
why do i get so irked when little things change? like the website for online banking. seriously, what's wrong with me?
last night was fun but crowded...hoards of runner and bikers flooded down the stairs into my makeshift poolhall to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the repeal of prohibition or running or wearing lingerie on the outside of spandex biker clothes or a combination of all these things. regardless, my space was invaded and my small corner of friendship was compromised. also, none of these many boys made a pass at me, making me long for a place where i have real friends who want to see more more than once every two weeks. a place where i have a chance to get laid.
and yet i knit this scarf, and make no concrete escape plans
24.11.08
21.11.08
one tiny complaint
everyone has the same news
i already heard all this on "morning edition," CNN. please tell me something different.
oh, the annoyances of competition and value-judgments about importance.
i already heard all this on "morning edition," CNN. please tell me something different.
oh, the annoyances of competition and value-judgments about importance.
20.11.08
sometimes, like now
I think that maybe, and I know this is not good, that what would make me happy with my life; happy in general, is if I were in a good relationship. I know I'm supposed to want to be happy by myself, with my accomplishments, and all that modern feminist jazz, but I'm not.
Sometimes I think that if I had a boyfriend, if someone loved me, then I would be happy. Despite the things that would still be bad, like how I am not motivated and I hate where I live or whatever it happens to be that month. Because then, maybe--and I know this wouldn't happen--I would be happy with the good things that I overlook now because I am so lonely.
I can't find one here. There's no way. I can't even find friends.
My two best bets seem to be Portland and graduate school. I could get to the former if I could get myself to move, and I could get to the latter if I could get myself to finish these damn applications (and with a substantial amount of luck).
Sometimes I think that if I had a boyfriend, if someone loved me, then I would be happy. Despite the things that would still be bad, like how I am not motivated and I hate where I live or whatever it happens to be that month. Because then, maybe--and I know this wouldn't happen--I would be happy with the good things that I overlook now because I am so lonely.
I can't find one here. There's no way. I can't even find friends.
My two best bets seem to be Portland and graduate school. I could get to the former if I could get myself to move, and I could get to the latter if I could get myself to finish these damn applications (and with a substantial amount of luck).
19.11.08
when i say i am going to do things, i should actually do them
especially when they are important
especially when i tell other people
important people
people who i want to hold me accountable
i wonder if it's too late to apply to other schools this round...if so, i MUST look into spring semester applications. i'm only so young, and i can't keep letting the years aimlessly fall past much longer.
ugh
especially when they are important
especially when i tell other people
important people
people who i want to hold me accountable
i wonder if it's too late to apply to other schools this round...if so, i MUST look into spring semester applications. i'm only so young, and i can't keep letting the years aimlessly fall past much longer.
ugh
11.11.08
5.11.08
hahahahahahahahahahahaha--YES!
"This is an interesting-ish move, given that Rahm Emanuel seemed to want to be Speaker of the House someday. Now he is “agonizing” over whether or not to take the job Obama offered him. DO IT DO IT DO IT, the next four years will be like Entourage meets The West Wing."
~www.wonkette.com
check it
~www.wonkette.com
check it
4.11.08
30.10.08
response to an empty hope
ah, weather. maybe it's my midwestern roots, but it really is fascinating.
anyway, the wellspring of consciousness:
In the springtime for a few week, dc IS awash in pink petals and picnics and lovely breezes.
at the moment, it is all gothic romanticism with windy zoos and crimson trees with emus trying desperately to find the right space to set them free
into the endless wooded park running the length of the city, threatening to swallow it up
or is it the other way around?
...
and the emu was wet, long feathers hanging lower. i went back the next day, and the next, and it was still there at the fence, in a different corner, trying to find...something, i guess. looking at the lions briefly, i felt only guilt, that it was there, sitting atop a fake rock, yawning and making large, resonant noises, and i left to peer at the prairie dogs, instead, who were busy at their own work and didn't inspire the same type of guilt. then the cows, which are a favorite. the small reddish brown one had crazy eyes and the larger black-and-white was the one with the pants, herding the other and responding louder to the small one's lowing. then they both stood at the large doors to the barn and called to the caretaker to let them in for the night, which i'm sure he did, eventually, but first the goats.
walking four goats must be difficult, but he managed to do it.
and i long for someone to see me, to want to know me. the zoo provides at least an initial topic for conversation: the animals as subject. but really, they are objects. and there, again, is the guilt.
but we would leave, and go walk elsewhere, and stare at human animals, instead, over coffee and overhead jazz in a warm, wooden, unfinished cafe.
...
today it is sunny, but ever colder. the trees from the balcony are tops: still green, but more and more patches of red and dark yellows that remind me why i love to wander and that life is beautiful and ever changing.
stupid change.
beautiful, stupid change.
out farther, beyond the forest that never really HAS a "beyond" since it is everywhere and continuous in this city and the surrounding areas is a tall box, opened to the blue or gray sky, and the remains of a castle (actually a fort, but from my window i like castle better) that is now just one large turrot, with a spire, and next to that a 20th century antenna, broadcasting people's voices in 360 directions.
but it is the red that keeps my attention. the red to crimson to auburn. and sometimes i find an incredibly rich tree Farbe, but i am usually driving, so i cannot stop and stare or take a picture that wouldn't do it justice, anyway. so i let that potential memory go, because it will never be as vibrant as the real thing.
and that is the beauty of change: that is it so real it cannot be captured, but (hopefully) always comes back once a year, so you wait for it and anticipate the experience every year you are alive.
and inside, i decorate with the change, and then leave it up all the time, because these are the best colors that correspond with the best season. ha. take that, nature and life. inside, i can have it, create it, the way i like. and thus am productive with "creativity," which may be cheesy or ostentatious and always pretentious, but i like it that way.
it is only me, here
so
so buttons
anyway, the wellspring of consciousness:
In the springtime for a few week, dc IS awash in pink petals and picnics and lovely breezes.
at the moment, it is all gothic romanticism with windy zoos and crimson trees with emus trying desperately to find the right space to set them free
into the endless wooded park running the length of the city, threatening to swallow it up
or is it the other way around?
...
and the emu was wet, long feathers hanging lower. i went back the next day, and the next, and it was still there at the fence, in a different corner, trying to find...something, i guess. looking at the lions briefly, i felt only guilt, that it was there, sitting atop a fake rock, yawning and making large, resonant noises, and i left to peer at the prairie dogs, instead, who were busy at their own work and didn't inspire the same type of guilt. then the cows, which are a favorite. the small reddish brown one had crazy eyes and the larger black-and-white was the one with the pants, herding the other and responding louder to the small one's lowing. then they both stood at the large doors to the barn and called to the caretaker to let them in for the night, which i'm sure he did, eventually, but first the goats.
walking four goats must be difficult, but he managed to do it.
and i long for someone to see me, to want to know me. the zoo provides at least an initial topic for conversation: the animals as subject. but really, they are objects. and there, again, is the guilt.
but we would leave, and go walk elsewhere, and stare at human animals, instead, over coffee and overhead jazz in a warm, wooden, unfinished cafe.
...
today it is sunny, but ever colder. the trees from the balcony are tops: still green, but more and more patches of red and dark yellows that remind me why i love to wander and that life is beautiful and ever changing.
stupid change.
beautiful, stupid change.
out farther, beyond the forest that never really HAS a "beyond" since it is everywhere and continuous in this city and the surrounding areas is a tall box, opened to the blue or gray sky, and the remains of a castle (actually a fort, but from my window i like castle better) that is now just one large turrot, with a spire, and next to that a 20th century antenna, broadcasting people's voices in 360 directions.
but it is the red that keeps my attention. the red to crimson to auburn. and sometimes i find an incredibly rich tree Farbe, but i am usually driving, so i cannot stop and stare or take a picture that wouldn't do it justice, anyway. so i let that potential memory go, because it will never be as vibrant as the real thing.
and that is the beauty of change: that is it so real it cannot be captured, but (hopefully) always comes back once a year, so you wait for it and anticipate the experience every year you are alive.
and inside, i decorate with the change, and then leave it up all the time, because these are the best colors that correspond with the best season. ha. take that, nature and life. inside, i can have it, create it, the way i like. and thus am productive with "creativity," which may be cheesy or ostentatious and always pretentious, but i like it that way.
it is only me, here
so
so buttons
28.10.08
privilege
living a very selfish existence at the moment
it's windy and above the red trees are hawks, being blown away
as am i
as am i
it's windy and above the red trees are hawks, being blown away
as am i
as am i
27.10.08
the end of subversion
http://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html
point of contention: there is a line in the above article about how symbols have been appropriated by the hipster and have become devoid of meaning, which i do not agree with. these symbols have, instead, been instilled with NEW/different meanings. but the rest doesn't make me too mad, so i'll leave the link up for those who are curious. (ha)
---
a thought expanded: what if what i experience as reality (b. mentioned something about it being harder and harder to achieve consensual reality in social interactions because of tv, but this is a different matter) is not what you experience as reality at all? in fact, i'm willing to bet that it isn't. to this end, we have devised sign systems that seek to make what we experience alone talk-about-able with one another...sign systems create a shared experience--a shared reality. because, really, blue isn't blue, it's just what i happen to see. you only exist in my mind, and i in yours--at least that's what we agree to agree upon via our complex sign systems. mostly unspoken, but still there.
there is no culture without signs. and there are no signs without culture.
this has been said before, and has been better theorized and worded, but i was thinking about it after my shower and wanted to jot it down.
point of contention: there is a line in the above article about how symbols have been appropriated by the hipster and have become devoid of meaning, which i do not agree with. these symbols have, instead, been instilled with NEW/different meanings. but the rest doesn't make me too mad, so i'll leave the link up for those who are curious. (ha)
---
a thought expanded: what if what i experience as reality (b. mentioned something about it being harder and harder to achieve consensual reality in social interactions because of tv, but this is a different matter) is not what you experience as reality at all? in fact, i'm willing to bet that it isn't. to this end, we have devised sign systems that seek to make what we experience alone talk-about-able with one another...sign systems create a shared experience--a shared reality. because, really, blue isn't blue, it's just what i happen to see. you only exist in my mind, and i in yours--at least that's what we agree to agree upon via our complex sign systems. mostly unspoken, but still there.
there is no culture without signs. and there are no signs without culture.
this has been said before, and has been better theorized and worded, but i was thinking about it after my shower and wanted to jot it down.
25.10.08
17.10.08
The Little Discoveries and Delights: A Scene
i had never really been to the 8th floor; walked through its halls...
It was nice--warm. Comfortable.
The slight change in elevation really gave new perspective on what one saw out the windows...to the outside world.
Neat.
It was nice--warm. Comfortable.
The slight change in elevation really gave new perspective on what one saw out the windows...to the outside world.
Neat.
15.10.08
20.9.08
the problem
it's just not subversive, anymore.
it's been done
would be great to live like that; to be a hippie
to make art and music and just
just BE
but it's been done
and then it was real
it was something
something important
and now it's just...copying
trying to bring back something you can't relive, because it can never be the same
the beats were doing something new
important (as i've already said)
it wouldn't feel...productive in its unproductiveness.
and, unfortunately, that's the only way i could justify doing something like that
is if it were meaningful in some larger, cultural way
but since it's been done
since we've moved past it as a society
it's useless, now
defined as a historical moment or moments
and now doing so makes you feel guilty
for not having a job
even if you grow your own vegetables
which, let's face it, i would not be able to do
SIDEBAR: I have a plant. I have no idea what it is. It has almost died more times than I can remember. I
don't know how one is supposed to water it, but I do so occasionally. The poor thing.
So.
That's that. If I go back, I can't go back.
I can't BE
lame
it's been done
would be great to live like that; to be a hippie
to make art and music and just
just BE
but it's been done
and then it was real
it was something
something important
and now it's just...copying
trying to bring back something you can't relive, because it can never be the same
the beats were doing something new
important (as i've already said)
it wouldn't feel...productive in its unproductiveness.
and, unfortunately, that's the only way i could justify doing something like that
is if it were meaningful in some larger, cultural way
but since it's been done
since we've moved past it as a society
it's useless, now
defined as a historical moment or moments
and now doing so makes you feel guilty
for not having a job
even if you grow your own vegetables
which, let's face it, i would not be able to do
SIDEBAR: I have a plant. I have no idea what it is. It has almost died more times than I can remember. I
don't know how one is supposed to water it, but I do so occasionally. The poor thing.
So.
That's that. If I go back, I can't go back.
I can't BE
lame
8.9.08
When TV just doesn't help anymore...
I hate it when loneliness sneaks up on you and you can't shake it.
At least I know this, too, shall pass.
(And return.)
At least I know this, too, shall pass.
(And return.)
5.9.08
3.9.08
eleven months
...and counting.
a lot of bad things happened this past long weekend.
but the good things were seeing all of Rte6A with my mom, seeing Marion's family, seeing Dale. And being with my mom. It's lonely here, now.
There are so many dance classes to take that require little or no commitment--I like that. Because of this, I can now fake the balboa, especially if the lead is good. I never sweat so much as when I'm dancing. Lindy really is a winter sport.
a lot of bad things happened this past long weekend.
but the good things were seeing all of Rte6A with my mom, seeing Marion's family, seeing Dale. And being with my mom. It's lonely here, now.
There are so many dance classes to take that require little or no commitment--I like that. Because of this, I can now fake the balboa, especially if the lead is good. I never sweat so much as when I'm dancing. Lindy really is a winter sport.
22.8.08
tune in next evening to "the weather channel"
almost a year ago, she flew across he country and introduced me to "the weather channel" and we drove across and she showed me dc.
three months ago, i saw david
about an hour ago, we spoke
time goes so quickly at any speed, really
it's always...longer ago than you think, sometimes...and all of a sudden, so many things are over
it sneaks up, but there is always comfort
three months ago, i saw david
about an hour ago, we spoke
time goes so quickly at any speed, really
it's always...longer ago than you think, sometimes...and all of a sudden, so many things are over
it sneaks up, but there is always comfort
9.8.08
be-in: a hippie in portland
george carlin is brilliant
i love "creeque alley"
so mad i missed that
but maybe there's a way...
...a way to be
-like
i love "creeque alley"
so mad i missed that
but maybe there's a way...
...a way to be
-like
3.8.08
21.7.08
i refuse
why are we obligated to answer the door?
the phone?
don't give in
pretend you're not there--but that's the point. you shouldn't have to pretend. because the obligation makes no sense.
don't play along
deconstruct reality with me
the phone?
don't give in
pretend you're not there--but that's the point. you shouldn't have to pretend. because the obligation makes no sense.
don't play along
deconstruct reality with me
13.7.08
7.7.08
3.7.08
oh, to be rejected once and for all...
arg
why is it so hard to tell him
i have to just get it over with
damned if i lose a potential friend
i'm sick o getting super nervous and then losing my nerve or wasting an opportunity
sunday
i don't care who's there
that's the fucking dream
why is it so hard to tell him
i have to just get it over with
damned if i lose a potential friend
i'm sick o getting super nervous and then losing my nerve or wasting an opportunity
sunday
i don't care who's there
that's the fucking dream
2.7.08
ladedah
Have you ever ...
01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights--i want to!
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon (if up and down counts)
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger (i can't remember...so that means "yes")
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb (awwww)
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days (huh?)
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer - or more!
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love (if i was heartbroken, that means i was still in love, so this scenario is nigh impossible)
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sang karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honour of a woman (hahahahaha!)
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest (second prize in 4th grade. still pretty good)
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand (kinda...)
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favourite childhood toy.
128. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Member of Congress
132a. Had them write back
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ... more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a TV game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery (what is "major"? do tonsils count?)
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than US states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper (good ole "arcadia weekly")
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ... and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream (my dream of seven years ago)
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197. Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested
01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights--i want to!
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon (if up and down counts)
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger (i can't remember...so that means "yes")
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb (awwww)
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days (huh?)
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer - or more!
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love (if i was heartbroken, that means i was still in love, so this scenario is nigh impossible)
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sang karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honour of a woman (hahahahaha!)
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest (second prize in 4th grade. still pretty good)
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand (kinda...)
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favourite childhood toy.
128. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Member of Congress
132a. Had them write back
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ... more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a TV game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery (what is "major"? do tonsils count?)
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than US states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper (good ole "arcadia weekly")
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ... and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream (my dream of seven years ago)
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197. Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested
11.6.08
waking up is not fair
i just had the best dream...
a bunch of people were all jammed in a car together, which was way too long across to be real, and sometimes the seats were back-to-back, not in forward-facing rows. probably not with enough seat-belts. yonas was there, as well as the cute guy (sigh). i drove the car backwards on the freeway and then asked everyone if it was okay to turn it around as i changed lanes. they said yes since i was changing lanes to the right. heh. so i did. almost hit the car in the next lane. not sure where we were going. i also remember an earlier part of the dream where i was in a bookstore/girft shop with golf gear and i took a hat off the rack and a metal sesor came un-attached to another and it made a beep. it was also my mom's bday and she thought i forgot.
but these are not the good parts. the good part was when we were all in the car, and i wasin the back seat between cute guy and someone else, who shook my hand. i said, "if that's what you think a big hug and kiss is, then you're in trouble," joking ly. then cute guy said, "yeah, you have to lean in..." or something, then he kissed me on the cheek and slid his arm around me. felt wonderful and exciting, but i pulled away after a moment, shy. damn. but it was real. it meant he was interested. and then he was sitting up front ahead of me and kept trying to reach back and touch me, but kept touching some other girl's feet, instead. occasionally got me. then he wanted to sit up front,a nd i sat where he had been when he kissed me and understood why he had wanted to move--it was squished! the car had turned into a couch f sorts and we were in yonas' apt with stringed lights taped up and falling own. i accidentally unplugged more, and he was mad that we had ruined his carefully make-shifted light-fixtures. he tried to squish in next to me, and i went on the floor to sleep, and he told me to take the couch. i stayed on the rug, waiting for cute guyt to wake up so we could talk about the kiss....
if only that had been real! damn it, and why do great dreams like that have to end? damn you, alarm clock. damn you, reality...
a bunch of people were all jammed in a car together, which was way too long across to be real, and sometimes the seats were back-to-back, not in forward-facing rows. probably not with enough seat-belts. yonas was there, as well as the cute guy (sigh). i drove the car backwards on the freeway and then asked everyone if it was okay to turn it around as i changed lanes. they said yes since i was changing lanes to the right. heh. so i did. almost hit the car in the next lane. not sure where we were going. i also remember an earlier part of the dream where i was in a bookstore/girft shop with golf gear and i took a hat off the rack and a metal sesor came un-attached to another and it made a beep. it was also my mom's bday and she thought i forgot.
but these are not the good parts. the good part was when we were all in the car, and i wasin the back seat between cute guy and someone else, who shook my hand. i said, "if that's what you think a big hug and kiss is, then you're in trouble," joking ly. then cute guy said, "yeah, you have to lean in..." or something, then he kissed me on the cheek and slid his arm around me. felt wonderful and exciting, but i pulled away after a moment, shy. damn. but it was real. it meant he was interested. and then he was sitting up front ahead of me and kept trying to reach back and touch me, but kept touching some other girl's feet, instead. occasionally got me. then he wanted to sit up front,a nd i sat where he had been when he kissed me and understood why he had wanted to move--it was squished! the car had turned into a couch f sorts and we were in yonas' apt with stringed lights taped up and falling own. i accidentally unplugged more, and he was mad that we had ruined his carefully make-shifted light-fixtures. he tried to squish in next to me, and i went on the floor to sleep, and he told me to take the couch. i stayed on the rug, waiting for cute guyt to wake up so we could talk about the kiss....
if only that had been real! damn it, and why do great dreams like that have to end? damn you, alarm clock. damn you, reality...
1.6.08
i should just tell him, but i'm a passive-aggressive woman like that
i shaved my legs
i looked really cute
i got cash in order to pay him back for last week
he wasn't there.
i waited 15 min, then called, left a message, asking if he still wanted to play pool
half an hour later, he called back, saying he got the message and that he was going to stay in tonight. that he went to get a movie and had to study. did not invite me to watch the movie. did not care. did not remember the plans HE made last week.
bastard. i am so interested. i looked forward to this all week. i was going to tell you tonight (maybe) that i found you really attractive and liked you a lot so that you could reject me and i could get over it and then i could ahve a really awesome friend in dc
but no.
you forgot
again
and you don't fucking care
i looked really cute
i got cash in order to pay him back for last week
he wasn't there.
i waited 15 min, then called, left a message, asking if he still wanted to play pool
half an hour later, he called back, saying he got the message and that he was going to stay in tonight. that he went to get a movie and had to study. did not invite me to watch the movie. did not care. did not remember the plans HE made last week.
bastard. i am so interested. i looked forward to this all week. i was going to tell you tonight (maybe) that i found you really attractive and liked you a lot so that you could reject me and i could get over it and then i could ahve a really awesome friend in dc
but no.
you forgot
again
and you don't fucking care
21.5.08
all in a day's work
while i was watching "the office" last night, i was able to identify whose jobs i did, as well as all the jobs my co-workers do. kinda cool. as in, our office is so small and deals in such low volumes that each of us takes on at least three or four people's worth of jobs as measured in "the office."
i'm not wording this right.
whatever.
also, i came to the conclusion (again) that i'm basically anorexic, but i'm just not very good at it. also, certain things keep any attempts at being a "good" one from working too well. which is good. again with the bad explaining.
these are just things i want to note for myself, anyway.
looking forward to making friends. hopefully that happens.
and now, to the cat and the INDIANA JONES!!!!!!
i'm not wording this right.
whatever.
also, i came to the conclusion (again) that i'm basically anorexic, but i'm just not very good at it. also, certain things keep any attempts at being a "good" one from working too well. which is good. again with the bad explaining.
these are just things i want to note for myself, anyway.
looking forward to making friends. hopefully that happens.
and now, to the cat and the INDIANA JONES!!!!!!
1.4.08
unattainable
no sooner do i free myself than i trap myself again
will i ever make a decision i won't regret?
will i ever be happy and not miss things and people?
i miss my portland life, and now it's farther away than ever
what have i done....again?
will i ever make a decision i won't regret?
will i ever be happy and not miss things and people?
i miss my portland life, and now it's farther away than ever
what have i done....again?
22.3.08
10.3.08
i am at odds with myself
i am split between my two parents. half of me wants to just chill and enjoy being a couch potato, and the other half can't sit still
oy
oy
3.3.08
he worries too much
damn it. the one time i didn't push it, he actually wanted to.
i missed the opportunity; i'm a little pissed. we could have talked, cried, and then done it. like old times.
ah, well, i'm still happy for the rest. that was also wonderfully like old times. i wonder what would have happened had i stayed...
i missed the opportunity; i'm a little pissed. we could have talked, cried, and then done it. like old times.
ah, well, i'm still happy for the rest. that was also wonderfully like old times. i wonder what would have happened had i stayed...
4.2.08
3.2.08
why do i always wait for godot?
i tried to find some shoes yesterday and i bought some marked-down sangria mix instead. also, i ate some mcdonald's fries. they weren't that good.
13.1.08
before ice skating through a garden of art in the capitol of inspiration...
in love with michael stipe
in love with the music
ALL music
in love with the music
ALL music
3.1.08
bad grammar makes me [sic]
i both love and hate the shirt i have on
i love it because, to me, it ultimately is laughing at ME, not at the person who may not understand it.
and that, to me, is a victory, because it is to be laughing at the snobbishness, itself, which is better admitted as something oen has, than denied or unaware of.
yes
run on!!!
layers and layers...sometimes.
:)
i love it because, to me, it ultimately is laughing at ME, not at the person who may not understand it.
and that, to me, is a victory, because it is to be laughing at the snobbishness, itself, which is better admitted as something oen has, than denied or unaware of.
yes
run on!!!
layers and layers...sometimes.
:)
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