nostalgia is my kryptonite

Just because it's in the past, it is better.
This is the fallacy by which my heart-strings are tugged, by which I experience memories and imagine the future.

I find myself fantasizing about moving back to DC; actually flirting with the idea of thinking seriously about it. And it's not just because of the one that got away and will continue to elude me--this I know. It is fundamentally about this problem of mine...I want to use the word "ontology," just to solidify its meaning, but this is the wrong word. An underlying cosmology, perhaps? This assumption--no, more base than that--the unconscious framing of the past as inherently better. Always looking back through rose-colored glasses, even at a place that was miserable. But, I think, this time, in the future, I could do it better. Because I remember only the good parts--the parts made good by virtue of their being past.

And this is my downfall
why I can't out
move on
get going...get doing

for real
in the present

dorks untie!

i love how crazily witty all our status updates become during finals week
how i've missed these geeky jokes

really?

I might even miss DC. Find myself thinking about it, longing for certain aspects. And of course there's always wanting Portland. Sometimes I'm back in a scene--driving down a certain street, experiencing something again--so vividly I forgot memories could be like that. But there have been a lot of memory-invasions, recently. Things I haven't thought of for a while. I think it might have something to do with Uncle Al, but they aren't all related to him.
It's nice.

Anywhere but here.
I hope I make it out alive and unscathed. Seriously. Just want out safely into another place. Take the MA and run.

hacking it

used to write
poetry

-like


perhaps
you know

chicago

School is great, for the most part. The same things that were not fun at Reed are not fun here, and the same intellectual things that were amazing there are likewise here, perhaps with less novelty. But there is still a feeling of discovery--that this is still intensely interesting.

The city is somewhat difficult to navigate, more so after I was mugged. Now the darkness shuts me in, and I'm finding ways to deal with that and the depression that's at bay because of it. At least the initial shakiness has worn off, and I HAVE been out at night, just on a bus or with people. Paranoia is worth it...

A mixed bag is social life. Meeting lots of new, interesting people, and we had a potluck party that was fabulous and easy. I entered my apartment alone, somewhat to my disappointment, left wondering why no one was interested. And today, wondering if anyone normalish will ever BE interested. (It's only the second week, of course, but last night made these self-absorbed feelings salient.) With so many possibilities and fleeting attractions made worse with the background of age, it is difficult NOT to think ahead; to think, maybe this could go somewhere. Oh, and I'm sorry, what was your name, again? I wonder, sadly, when will I find a good man who actually reciprocates? And will I ever completely shake my hang-ups on the good men who don't and never will however much I may read into things? Letting go of anything isn't easy, not even the most preliminary of interactions. Forgetting the imagined possibilities of the east coast is even harder.

Focusing on school and learning helps both of these less-than-happy issues (i.e., safety and lack of romance), as does thinking of the potential friendships being forged so quickly, but it's the weekend and though there is plenty of studying that needs to get done before Monday morning, Portland has not entirely left me and "i don't wanna." Tomorrow I shall suck it up. Until then, let me dwell. Let me write run-ons. And let me forget responsibilities. There's only so long the world will let my arrested development fly, after all. Soon, I will have to grow up. Maybe.

on lost friendship

why do i get jealous of friends' friendships with others when it is (usually) my fault that our friendship drifted? and even when fault is not an issue, when friendships just change and get less close, i get jealous. jealous of other's ability to form close friendships. to keep them. why am i so bad at friendships? why do i let people annoy me so easily? there are many other questions, but i resent that i get jealous.

someday...better social skills
someday

mac fail

i'd like to learn how to get over feeling like a failure faster...it's really a bummer. I know I fucked up...but do I have to feel like a fuckup in general? Repenting is no fun. I can't go back and undo my mistakes...and it's not like this was a terrible one that affected anyone personally. I did technically lose someone else money...I should pay that person back and own up to my folly.

But until then, why do I have to feel so bad about this? It was a mistake I made...over a year ago, but only discovered a few hours ago. Dammit. Dammit dammit.

you know, it's a puzzlement

i don't think i can do this
want this

but can't seem to stop, either

musical memory roundabout

Road Tripping with Ginger was always the best.

at times terrified and excited

curious
but deathly afraid of the reality
of the experience

yet thinking of it
often
somewhat with longing...

not sure
of anything

plath
makes death beautiful
genius

sometimes

I should not be left alone with the internet.

love portland

Portland turns 150 this Valentines Day.

in a big hurry to sit...