hacking it

used to write
poetry

-like


perhaps
you know

chicago

School is great, for the most part. The same things that were not fun at Reed are not fun here, and the same intellectual things that were amazing there are likewise here, perhaps with less novelty. But there is still a feeling of discovery--that this is still intensely interesting.

The city is somewhat difficult to navigate, more so after I was mugged. Now the darkness shuts me in, and I'm finding ways to deal with that and the depression that's at bay because of it. At least the initial shakiness has worn off, and I HAVE been out at night, just on a bus or with people. Paranoia is worth it...

A mixed bag is social life. Meeting lots of new, interesting people, and we had a potluck party that was fabulous and easy. I entered my apartment alone, somewhat to my disappointment, left wondering why no one was interested. And today, wondering if anyone normalish will ever BE interested. (It's only the second week, of course, but last night made these self-absorbed feelings salient.) With so many possibilities and fleeting attractions made worse with the background of age, it is difficult NOT to think ahead; to think, maybe this could go somewhere. Oh, and I'm sorry, what was your name, again? I wonder, sadly, when will I find a good man who actually reciprocates? And will I ever completely shake my hang-ups on the good men who don't and never will however much I may read into things? Letting go of anything isn't easy, not even the most preliminary of interactions. Forgetting the imagined possibilities of the east coast is even harder.

Focusing on school and learning helps both of these less-than-happy issues (i.e., safety and lack of romance), as does thinking of the potential friendships being forged so quickly, but it's the weekend and though there is plenty of studying that needs to get done before Monday morning, Portland has not entirely left me and "i don't wanna." Tomorrow I shall suck it up. Until then, let me dwell. Let me write run-ons. And let me forget responsibilities. There's only so long the world will let my arrested development fly, after all. Soon, I will have to grow up. Maybe.

on lost friendship

why do i get jealous of friends' friendships with others when it is (usually) my fault that our friendship drifted? and even when fault is not an issue, when friendships just change and get less close, i get jealous. jealous of other's ability to form close friendships. to keep them. why am i so bad at friendships? why do i let people annoy me so easily? there are many other questions, but i resent that i get jealous.

someday...better social skills
someday

mac fail

i'd like to learn how to get over feeling like a failure faster...it's really a bummer. I know I fucked up...but do I have to feel like a fuckup in general? Repenting is no fun. I can't go back and undo my mistakes...and it's not like this was a terrible one that affected anyone personally. I did technically lose someone else money...I should pay that person back and own up to my folly.

But until then, why do I have to feel so bad about this? It was a mistake I made...over a year ago, but only discovered a few hours ago. Dammit. Dammit dammit.

you know, it's a puzzlement

i don't think i can do this
want this

but can't seem to stop, either