karmic retribution may be a bitch, but it is, after all, deserved. so that's the sweeping explanation i give myself for this past year's (+) lackluster "romantic" department. if only i could grin and bear it, instead of obsessing.

and career direction--and motivation--and confidence. three things that remain elusive. so many and so few options out there at once.

places
people
possibilities


i don't want to go to europe, but i should feel grateful.
the guilt

"be happy"...but i shouldn't, because i really am not worth it. why can't they see how lazy i am? that i need a swift kick in the rear? that i haven't really accomplished anything, anything real. or that one thing i did was over three years ago, now. and this last thing was a disappointment, and even a joke. but still they are proud. of what? the lack of effort and still passing?

but i don't want to explain, because then they'll know the ugly truth about me.
and that's no way to treat parents who love you.

so i write here, self-pitying as always. disgusting and constantly hoping for a turn-around that i don't have the will-power to force myself to do.
and i'm not even on drugs. the laziness just is.
is stifling

gotta do something
gotta get out there
make decisions

and stop staring at this life-sucking screen!