more than i expected

he rode with me to the airport. i watched him eating wendy's as i waited impatiently for my egg and cheese bagel, mad that this was keeping me from him and eating away our time. we ate, then i said i should get going.
we held hands on the way to the security line, ("do we know anyone here?") and stopped before it. he leaned down and kissed me sweetly. a hug. then another light kiss

it's still making me smile.

i sucked

So I'm going through all my old school papers. Sometimes I find it's easy to throw things away, like all my doodles of the girls from the Little House books in the same style of dress. sometimes not so easy. anyway, i came across this journal i had to keep in english when i was 14, and i am so ashamed. i didn't remember how my brother and i used to fight. how i was so mean to him; how he felt like i didn't like him, and how i probably didn't think i did at the time. i feel so bad for that. he seems to have forgiven me, based on our current relationship, but still. how unforgivable.

i can't believe i turned this in. how embarrassing (not just because of the entires involving sibling rivalry).
i'm sorry, F. really really sorry.
ugh

stuff: a sample

i have a spoon collection that i can't remember ever really caring about, even as i was dilligently collecting them from every stop on our family road-trip vacations.

i want my old life to still be here, waiting for me, if i come back. and i really want to come back. but only if i can have everything back.
this is impossible and selfish, but i can't help irrationally wanting this. or wanting him to move with me. baltimore would be fine. but close. ideally, close enough so that i could go over everyday, like now.

he won't wait for me, and he shouldn't, and maybe i'll go on a few dates in dc. but we're good together. we work. and i don't want that to change.
i want the love to stay
across the distance
across my betrayal.
please still love me

tenderness and tears

"nobody's ever loved me the way you do," he said, crying

he loves me
we spent the early morning hours of tuesday sobbing together

one thing i love about him is that even though it's really hard sometimes, he always, ALWAYS appologizes...even if i don't always deserve one.

and today, after sauvie island berry picking (preceded itself by a quintecential trip to powell's), he told me that we've been together for a long time, he just didn't do well with labels. and here i thought we just weren't together, period. he said i was his girlfriend. in the mirror, that we were quite a pair (or something).


i love him so much, and i know things will be okay with us.
unless something bad happens in the next few days. but still, i'll have these memories of wonderfulness. of him. of us.
he was happy today.


and he's even throwing me a goodbye party
but it's the other things that give me warm feelings
we love
we talk of being married, fondly. jokingly. but it's still talk
and all is wonderful
he is wonderful
i want it so bad to last

but that's probably too much to hope for