i wish i had you to come home to
to give goodnight sleepy kisses to
to cuddle
to love
to feel soft and warm and loving
i wish you were here, to my right, taking up the place that i am leaving empty
i wish i had you here to love physicall, instead of far away mentally, verbally...
i wish you were here so i could hold you

please pity the fool

i hate it here. people drive like maniacs and i feel like everybody is laughing at me because i don't fit in. i don't have the energy to look for a job, and i don't have the energy to interview for one. i don't want to get roped down here, either. i haven't even unpacked, because that would mean this is real. no. this is just another hotel. this is just a shitty vacation.

i should have stayed in portland and gotten a teaching credential. foregone this dc bullshit. this is no longer my dream, and probably hasn't been for a few years. dumb dumb dumb and depressed.

I'm not a DC girl. I'm a portland girl. with a portland love. and a family only a two-hour flight away.
now i'm here and i don't want to be here. i don't like it. and things are stressful. i hate it. i want to go home. and then to portland. and then home again. repeat. like normal. this doesn't feel right.

i knew it?

more than i expected

he rode with me to the airport. i watched him eating wendy's as i waited impatiently for my egg and cheese bagel, mad that this was keeping me from him and eating away our time. we ate, then i said i should get going.
we held hands on the way to the security line, ("do we know anyone here?") and stopped before it. he leaned down and kissed me sweetly. a hug. then another light kiss

it's still making me smile.

i sucked

So I'm going through all my old school papers. Sometimes I find it's easy to throw things away, like all my doodles of the girls from the Little House books in the same style of dress. sometimes not so easy. anyway, i came across this journal i had to keep in english when i was 14, and i am so ashamed. i didn't remember how my brother and i used to fight. how i was so mean to him; how he felt like i didn't like him, and how i probably didn't think i did at the time. i feel so bad for that. he seems to have forgiven me, based on our current relationship, but still. how unforgivable.

i can't believe i turned this in. how embarrassing (not just because of the entires involving sibling rivalry).
i'm sorry, F. really really sorry.
ugh