why is figuring out the future so daunting? I am stunted. Planning and doing seems so easy for others...or not easy, but something they accomplish nonetheless.
Not sure how or if I can turn it around.
Become an adult. Of any kind.
would that there were a de-angstifying medication of some sort. to help just get over it and on with it. Life isn't waiting--participate! Make plans and follow through.
Ha. so says the cynic.
5.7.10
20.12.09
nostalgia is my kryptonite
Just because it's in the past, it is better.
This is the fallacy by which my heart-strings are tugged, by which I experience memories and imagine the future.
I find myself fantasizing about moving back to DC; actually flirting with the idea of thinking seriously about it. And it's not just because of the one that got away and will continue to elude me--this I know. It is fundamentally about this problem of mine...I want to use the word "ontology," just to solidify its meaning, but this is the wrong word. An underlying cosmology, perhaps? This assumption--no, more base than that--the unconscious framing of the past as inherently better. Always looking back through rose-colored glasses, even at a place that was miserable. But, I think, this time, in the future, I could do it better. Because I remember only the good parts--the parts made good by virtue of their being past.
And this is my downfall
why I can't out
move on
get going...get doing
for real
in the present
This is the fallacy by which my heart-strings are tugged, by which I experience memories and imagine the future.
I find myself fantasizing about moving back to DC; actually flirting with the idea of thinking seriously about it. And it's not just because of the one that got away and will continue to elude me--this I know. It is fundamentally about this problem of mine...I want to use the word "ontology," just to solidify its meaning, but this is the wrong word. An underlying cosmology, perhaps? This assumption--no, more base than that--the unconscious framing of the past as inherently better. Always looking back through rose-colored glasses, even at a place that was miserable. But, I think, this time, in the future, I could do it better. Because I remember only the good parts--the parts made good by virtue of their being past.
And this is my downfall
why I can't out
move on
get going...get doing
for real
in the present
8.12.09
dorks untie!
i love how crazily witty all our status updates become during finals week
how i've missed these geeky jokes
how i've missed these geeky jokes
15.11.09
really?
I might even miss DC. Find myself thinking about it, longing for certain aspects. And of course there's always wanting Portland. Sometimes I'm back in a scene--driving down a certain street, experiencing something again--so vividly I forgot memories could be like that. But there have been a lot of memory-invasions, recently. Things I haven't thought of for a while. I think it might have something to do with Uncle Al, but they aren't all related to him.
It's nice.
Anywhere but here.
I hope I make it out alive and unscathed. Seriously. Just want out safely into another place. Take the MA and run.
It's nice.
Anywhere but here.
I hope I make it out alive and unscathed. Seriously. Just want out safely into another place. Take the MA and run.
23.10.09
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