realization of no help

I'm in a somewhat self-imposed limbo for a few reasons and today I realized that I am lost without structure. In general. That's just my personality; why I gravitate back to school type environments, because that is a structure I know. The only one, except for work, from which I tend to flee because of commitment issues. So I'm lost without structure and in limbo about making a next move, any next move. And I also know that certain structures make me unhappy...or aspects that come along with them do. So all of this makes decisions even more difficult to arrive at.

add to that my laziness and procrastination, and i'm stuck until someone yells at me or makes the guilt of not doing anything salient. notices that i'm really a waste like this. that i'm a mooch.

because the willpower to make declarations that motivate are gone.
lost

happiness used to be the goal. but now that seems so selfish. and there are too many components to keep track of, anyway. so i guess the real goal, at this point, should be a decision. towards a structure. so i don't have to try and make too many more decisions without structured guidance.

maybe all of this is just a sad clinging to childhood, long after such urges should be gone.

karmic retribution may be a bitch, but it is, after all, deserved. so that's the sweeping explanation i give myself for this past year's (+) lackluster "romantic" department. if only i could grin and bear it, instead of obsessing.

and career direction--and motivation--and confidence. three things that remain elusive. so many and so few options out there at once.

places
people
possibilities


i don't want to go to europe, but i should feel grateful.
the guilt

"be happy"...but i shouldn't, because i really am not worth it. why can't they see how lazy i am? that i need a swift kick in the rear? that i haven't really accomplished anything, anything real. or that one thing i did was over three years ago, now. and this last thing was a disappointment, and even a joke. but still they are proud. of what? the lack of effort and still passing?

but i don't want to explain, because then they'll know the ugly truth about me.
and that's no way to treat parents who love you.

so i write here, self-pitying as always. disgusting and constantly hoping for a turn-around that i don't have the will-power to force myself to do.
and i'm not even on drugs. the laziness just is.
is stifling

gotta do something
gotta get out there
make decisions

and stop staring at this life-sucking screen!

really great friends

So many wonderful people acquainted. Good times have been had, many times over. So many interesting, awesome people. And all under-appreciated for their friendships and themselves.

Someday, I hope it will not be an inevitability that these posts slant negatively, but for now let us chalk that up to honesty in the hopes that it will nudge me into a better direction or two. Of caring properly. Of thinking positively. Of appreciating what is there and who is there and was and will be. Let us hope. But hoping is not doing. So hopefully I will do.

Better.
(lame, but the pseudo-poet within shan't be silenced. Yet.)

Perhaps a 2-year hiatus?

why is figuring out the future so daunting? I am stunted. Planning and doing seems so easy for others...or not easy, but something they accomplish nonetheless.

Not sure how or if I can turn it around.
Become an adult. Of any kind.

would that there were a de-angstifying medication of some sort. to help just get over it and on with it. Life isn't waiting--participate! Make plans and follow through.

Ha. so says the cynic.

nostalgia is my kryptonite

Just because it's in the past, it is better.
This is the fallacy by which my heart-strings are tugged, by which I experience memories and imagine the future.

I find myself fantasizing about moving back to DC; actually flirting with the idea of thinking seriously about it. And it's not just because of the one that got away and will continue to elude me--this I know. It is fundamentally about this problem of mine...I want to use the word "ontology," just to solidify its meaning, but this is the wrong word. An underlying cosmology, perhaps? This assumption--no, more base than that--the unconscious framing of the past as inherently better. Always looking back through rose-colored glasses, even at a place that was miserable. But, I think, this time, in the future, I could do it better. Because I remember only the good parts--the parts made good by virtue of their being past.

And this is my downfall
why I can't out
move on
get going...get doing

for real
in the present