history

i realized tonight--
i don't want to be part of a contemporary scene; something happening here and now. even if it's important.
i'm not adventurous. i'm not a doer. the last time i was sort of part of something in the Now, it was 2002 and i was wearing an old hippie skirt and we had no hope of winning at that glorious local protest.

no.
i want to relive and be a retroactive part of something in the past.
history is where it's at for me. reliving and figuring out how it may have been. reenacting, even. even if it's by myself.
but starting something new; being part of something now?
that's just scary

and temporality washes over and back and who knows where i am in this metaphor? life goes on as i strive to repeat it and never live in the moment or move forward with the rest.

eternal detachment
yes
that's the life

right?