God is a spaghetti monster

I want david to be someone he's not. And he wants me to be something I'm not. Okay, I could be less uptight. But yeah. I want him to be happy and normal, but retain his quirky wonderfulness, and i want him to want to be with me. And I also wish I were more like Amanda or Piera. Because then we'd get along better in public. It's not good, that we're so good together, except in public. And he won't meet my family. And I won't let him go.

I just wish it would work. I want to be with him, normally-ish. But I pretty much know I can't ahve that with him.

There is more to this mess, but I don't want to think about it right now. Or more than I ahve to. Even though I should probably get help. Because I can't do this alone. I can't save him alone.

whoa...

i have the same amount of money (give or take a few cents) in both of my checking accounts. freaky...

shallow alert!

i'm about 130 pounds, again. strange thing is, only a week ago i was remarking to myself that i was fairly happy with my body (minus the thighs, which i would just want less squishy, not smaller.) And then i weigh myself the other day and it says i'm 130! shit, man. maybe it has something to do with the clothes i wear as opposed to the ones i was wearing in 7th and 8th grade, but i don't feel nearly as fat this time around. sure, sometimes i feel fat, but i ALWAYS sometimes feel fat.

so, speaking of fat, i think i'm going to try to cut it out of my diet for a while and see if i can last without delicious food and if anything happens. i will also exercise more (having a job is no excuse!) and hopefully, if i don't lose weight, at least i'll b less squishy.
right

just a dream?

why do i want a baby right now? having fantasies about breastfeeding. ugh. it's scary to think that i really do want one. i want those experiences. well...the good ones, anyway. i want those feelings.

why do i live so far away, with nobody, really, but a boy i adore but haven't technically been with for over a year who doesn't want to meet my parents?

writing

the keys are so perfect
round; silver
say it: round
ahhh

writing writing...i really miss it sometimes

lately we've been...it's been nice. a little--i won't detail. but oh he's wonderful. and the mornings are the best. snuggly and warm and...beautiful
ugh
enough drivel***
she wrote, "i will be someone's story," and thought it wistfully. wistfully. and then was gone. and she was right. and this is that someone's story. hers
***

a brief sample. all i got, so far,a nd it's already 6 mo old. it's never coming back, is it?