etic understanding of scenes

always on the outside looking in
never quite a PART of something
a fringe participant, sure
but usually outside
observing

and isn't that where i like it?
where it's best?
because what would life be like without the longing?

privilege breeds discontent? whine to no one

i'm old
i have a degree that doesn't matter because i don't do anything with it
i'm depressed
making me even lazier
and i keep leaving places where i have friends
this makes me more depressed

what a mess
how to dig out? how to be real, get a life? get a fucking life.
most people have real problems.
dumbass rich white girl


seriously.
no one will ever want you again
not like this

living life in the wrong places

should i have stayed?
of course, if only because i should always have gone somewhere different from where i am now
should always have made a different choice
am always living wrong

i don't even know how to be an adult
perhaps how to begin, but things are too easy for me

i've GOT to get out of here
and start living
for real.

I'm so sorry, Autumn

Tonight, I was accessory to murder. I never thought I'd have to kill someone I loved without their consent, but that's how it happened. Tonight, we killed our dog, and I don't think it's dramatic to say so.
She had cancer, was going downhill. But today?
And we betrayed her trust. I don't think she had any idea... and she trusted us and one of the last things we did to her was use that against her.

Yes, it was peaceful, outwardly.
But how could we do this to her?
She was so good and wonderful

I can't believe we did that to her
that I did that
didn't fight it more

what the fuck

I'm so sorry, Autumn. I love you so so much and I hope you'll forgive me and I hope you were okay and I'm missing you
I'm so sorry, baby girl

terrible choice
so fucked up
and she's gone
we left her there

history

i realized tonight--
i don't want to be part of a contemporary scene; something happening here and now. even if it's important.
i'm not adventurous. i'm not a doer. the last time i was sort of part of something in the Now, it was 2002 and i was wearing an old hippie skirt and we had no hope of winning at that glorious local protest.

no.
i want to relive and be a retroactive part of something in the past.
history is where it's at for me. reliving and figuring out how it may have been. reenacting, even. even if it's by myself.
but starting something new; being part of something now?
that's just scary

and temporality washes over and back and who knows where i am in this metaphor? life goes on as i strive to repeat it and never live in the moment or move forward with the rest.

eternal detachment
yes
that's the life

right?