just finished

and now i don't know waht to do with myself. i wish i weren't alone. not in a desperate way, just in a vague way.
a minute ago i thought david might solve that problem. but i don't know what we'd do if he were here; i'm so tired. i should sleep, but it's warm. the fan...
anyway, he said this morning that he was going to miss me. something i had been waiting to hear. it made me so happy and sad at once. mostly sad. what am i thinking of doing? besides the fact that there is so much to do if i'm to move, it seems dumb to leave when i am still so emotionally attached. and he seems to need me. or maybe this is his chance to not need me, anymore.

but what if...? and i'm not here?
...but i always dread having to call her.

i want to ask him, seriously, if he'll consider coming.
but i am so scared to hear "no," even though it seems to be the hypothetical situation we are both dealing with at the moment. no. i go; he stays. i want him to want me to stay, really. i want him to want to come with me. for us to still be close. because if we aren't in the same town, how will we remain close emotionally? i'm not ready to lose that. it's not a natueral time for that type of break.

i think i still really want for us to be together; for him to want to be with me. because even though it feels like it, i know it's not real. it hardly ever was. officially.

all i know for sure is that i ahte my job and want to quit. it's not me; my identity is so...not a jive, man. not a jive at all.
i want cuddles, maybe. that's what i want. and for it to be 5pm maybe or something.