i want my old life to still be here, waiting for me, if i come back. and i really want to come back. but only if i can have everything back.
this is impossible and selfish, but i can't help irrationally wanting this. or wanting him to move with me. baltimore would be fine. but close. ideally, close enough so that i could go over everyday, like now.

he won't wait for me, and he shouldn't, and maybe i'll go on a few dates in dc. but we're good together. we work. and i don't want that to change.
i want the love to stay
across the distance
across my betrayal.
please still love me

tenderness and tears

"nobody's ever loved me the way you do," he said, crying

he loves me
we spent the early morning hours of tuesday sobbing together

one thing i love about him is that even though it's really hard sometimes, he always, ALWAYS appologizes...even if i don't always deserve one.

and today, after sauvie island berry picking (preceded itself by a quintecential trip to powell's), he told me that we've been together for a long time, he just didn't do well with labels. and here i thought we just weren't together, period. he said i was his girlfriend. in the mirror, that we were quite a pair (or something).


i love him so much, and i know things will be okay with us.
unless something bad happens in the next few days. but still, i'll have these memories of wonderfulness. of him. of us.
he was happy today.


and he's even throwing me a goodbye party
but it's the other things that give me warm feelings
we love
we talk of being married, fondly. jokingly. but it's still talk
and all is wonderful
he is wonderful
i want it so bad to last

but that's probably too much to hope for

i wonder if i'll miss portland
i think i will, and i hope i will come back someday

i also wished that he wanted to be with me. i think i'd stay if that were the case. but now it feels like i am ending it all by myself, when in fact i have been prolonging it for the past year. i wish things were different, and i am scared and excited to see what my new life is going to be like
but i know i'll miss hima nd my old life terribly, too.

if birds ever figured out that they could seriously injure us via pecking and diving, we'd be toast.
man, that would hurt. and hawks could freaking kill us in less than a second.

just finished

and now i don't know waht to do with myself. i wish i weren't alone. not in a desperate way, just in a vague way.
a minute ago i thought david might solve that problem. but i don't know what we'd do if he were here; i'm so tired. i should sleep, but it's warm. the fan...
anyway, he said this morning that he was going to miss me. something i had been waiting to hear. it made me so happy and sad at once. mostly sad. what am i thinking of doing? besides the fact that there is so much to do if i'm to move, it seems dumb to leave when i am still so emotionally attached. and he seems to need me. or maybe this is his chance to not need me, anymore.

but what if...? and i'm not here?
...but i always dread having to call her.

i want to ask him, seriously, if he'll consider coming.
but i am so scared to hear "no," even though it seems to be the hypothetical situation we are both dealing with at the moment. no. i go; he stays. i want him to want me to stay, really. i want him to want to come with me. for us to still be close. because if we aren't in the same town, how will we remain close emotionally? i'm not ready to lose that. it's not a natueral time for that type of break.

i think i still really want for us to be together; for him to want to be with me. because even though it feels like it, i know it's not real. it hardly ever was. officially.

all i know for sure is that i ahte my job and want to quit. it's not me; my identity is so...not a jive, man. not a jive at all.
i want cuddles, maybe. that's what i want. and for it to be 5pm maybe or something.